It's 2:30am and I can't sleep. I just lie awake thinking about her. My gentle rain and torrential downpour at the same time. I realize the inevitable yet hope and pray for the best. I must tell her what I feel and live with the consequences. This time I don't care if she doesn't share my feeling because I can't take this uncertainty any longer. The no knowing is killing me. At this point, i'd rather feel the pain of losing her than wondering if she could possibly like me or if she is missing the weekly appointment because she is with another person. Hell, even if she is with someone else, it will alleviate my uncertainty. Anything is better than this hell i'm feeling. I can deal with the reality of a betrayal. although it wouldn't be from her. It would be from everyone around her allowing me to continue with my illusion.

I wanted to tell her that I know her better than anyone else does and better than she thinks I do. She is extremely loyal to her friends and her family. At one point I was dumb enough to think that she was loyal to me even if it was just the stupid friendship. But I need to realize that it would not be enough to stop her from starting a relationship with someone else. She loves her big family and I've grown to appreciate them. I hear her thoughts, respect her ideas, loved her quirky humor, heck I even understood and appreciated her stubbornness and her bluntness. I was stupid enough to believe that if I was the opposite of her ex, then I would be loved. Boy, what an idiot.

Again this points to the stupid sickness I have, the nice guy syndrome. It was never about my stuff, just hers. No wonder she was not attracted to me. I gave her everything I thought she would want from an emotional standpoint but I never really listened to what she realy wanted. Damn, what a freakin' epiphany as I write this.

Oh how I can grow to HATE her and myself. I know it is not her fault but I can't help but to blame her for stirring up these feelings in me. For letting me think I had a chance. For giving me the false impression that my intelligence and sensitivity would finally be enough for someone to love me back. Boy, what a moron i've been. For that's what I loved about you.

I tried to justify it by claiming that you were still immature. You very well may be especially when you claim you don't want "drama" in your life but yet only thugs and bad boys have caused you drama. And when your sister claimed you liked thugs at a gathering many years ago and said you were getting married it made me sick to my stomach. Maybe I have to create drama with you to get you to like me.

So I am left with these final thoughts. I will not beg. I will not plead. I will not grovel and ask for you to love me. I will go somewhere by myself and cry the last tears that I will EVER spend for a women. I will continue to be a part of your circle but even that has an expiration date. I'm through with all of it. Others will feel the pain I feel. (fyi not a real threat just a karma thing.) I await the day we can see each other face to face, tell you and be done with it

SO here it is. All my jumbled up emotions in a post. My ego is so fragile and stupid. Especially with all the images and scenarios playing in my head about meeting the imaginary (or not) boyfriend and wanting to desperately kick his ass.